It can be so hard to know the right way to support a loved one who received a scary diagnosis like metastatic breast cancer (mBC). Do you text daily or wait until they reach out to you? Do you mention the disease or focus on other topics? Do you share information about a new treatment you heard about or keep it to yourself?
Here to help guide you through it is Neelima Denduluri, MD, associate chair of the US Oncology Breast Cancer Research Committee, a national group that aims to advance cancer care and improve patient outcomes. Keep reading for some of her key dos and don’ts. Of course everyone is different, but this set of guidelines can help you start thinking about how to help your loved one.
Acknowledge what’s happening.
By not bringing up cancer, you aren’t going to help your loved one forget about their diagnosis. “The worst thing people can do is pretend everything is normal,” says Dr. Denduluri. It can feel awkward and uncomfortable to say “cancer,” but by bringing it up yourself, you’re telling your friend or family member that they can turn to you when they need to talk.
Get specific with how you want to help.
This takes the burden off your loved one of having to think up something to ask for. If they have children, offer to help with rides or organize playdates. Go to the grocery store for them, designate a few people to bring meals once or twice a week, ask if you can be a chauffeur for oncologist appointments, and that sort of thing.
Research available help on their behalf.
It can take a lot of time to look into services available for people going through cancer treatment. That’s where you can come in. “See what the hospital offers, like free counseling or nutritional support, or if there are organizations that supply free wigs or house cleaning,” Dr. Denduluri suggests. If your loved one is having trouble advocating for themselves or speaking candidly with their doctor, you can find some great tips from www.FindYourMBCVoice.com and share these with them.
Since coming to terms with a terminal illness like mBC can be hard to do, you can even look into mental health services and see if there is a support group they can join. There are also free cancer apps like LivingWith® you could recommend to your loved one that will help them stay organized and ask for the support they need.
Falsely reassure.
Telling someone that everything is going to be fine isn’t the way to go here—no matter how much you want it to be true. Metastatic breast cancer is an incurable disease, so that kind of statement will just sound hollow. “Instead, acknowledge that they are going through a hard time and keep telling them that your door is open if they want to talk, even though you don’t know exactly what they’re going through,” says Dr. Denduluri.
Share resources if they’re not open to it.
It can be tempting to forward every article talking about the latest metastatic breast cancer advancement, but not everyone wants to see that in their inbox. “If you don’t know, just ask them if they’d like you to send them things or not,” says Dr. Denduluri.
Forget about financial hardships.
Healthcare is expensive, especially when managing an advanced disease like mBC, and their ability to work may be impacted by their cancer. Setting up a crowdsourcing fund can help relieve some of that stress. “This has to be delicately done, but finances are an integral concern of patients undergoing therapy for any health issue, much less cancer,” says Dr. Denduluri. Just make sure they are okay with you publicly sourcing any financial help or support on their behalf.
For information and resources on living with metastatic breast cancer or how to support someone who is, including a Treatment Discussion Guide, visit FindYourMBCVoice.com.
